IUD and change

well i guess i have to write about it
when something snuffs out joy
i have to take to my keyboard,
so here i am.

there are a lot of things to do
and stop doing
so it makes the process a bit drawn out.
i can’t just decide i am done having kids
and all the reminders of that decision
go away.

ive been having kids and wanting more kids
and having kids and wanting more kids
for a decade
so it’s a confusing reorientation.

i have given away some of the bigger things
like baby swings, the stuff that takes up
a lot of space in the basement
the things that have neon tape
and spotlights all around them
that make just doing the laundry impossible.

and i’m not taking my prenatal gummies anymore
it’s been more than a month since they ran out
and i didn’t buy more
but every evening i have to stop myself
for reaching into the cabinet –
i dont know when that will go away.

and there are so many bins of baby clothes
i have to take my time with those
the special outfits and onesies are all mixed in
with the ones that aren’t that special
except if one of my babies wore them
then they are special
and i dont know what to do about that.
(there is something so intimate
about that tiny soft fabric, knowing the precious bodies
it kept warm).

so the next step is the IUD
which feels more final than anything else
but maybe getting that done will ease the rest of it.

i thought about taking the pill
but i can’t stomach the thought of being reminded
every day
that i am done having children
even though i don’t imagine i’ll forget.

and of course there is writing it down
which is more powerful for me
than saying it out loud.

there is just so much to do
after deciding i am not having any more children.

i expect the sadness to be front and center for awhile
and maybe that’s okay
and my heart will probably never catch up to my head on this one
and maybe that’s going to have to be okay, too.