nothing and everything all the time

i want to cry but i cannot

and it has nothing to do with her
(although everything always has to do with her)

im pingponging between overwhelm and ingratitude
to guilt and shame

it is not a helpful exercise

i wonder if perhaps
i have not quite learned how to live in this world
after her dying

before my emotions seemed so simple and valid
today they are muddled and second guessed

someone was talking about loneliness the other day
and i think i am

surrounded by noise and chaos and love
i am actually sad and alone

maybe her dying has nothing to do with it
or maybe it has everything to do with it
(like all the rest)

and if she just hadn’t died
this obsession of what next
wouldn’t be so loud

and i could live here
without being worried about there
and maybe this breathing in and out thing
wouldn’t be so damn hard