lukewarm prayers

some nights all i have time for
are lukewarm prayers
and some nights when i’m praising you
in the back of my mind
i can’t help but think you let her die
and i didn’t deserve her dying
and the guilt sets in for my ingratitude
because you gave me four healthy boys
but i didn’t deserve them living either
and you can see my dilemma
that being human is very tough sometimes
and tonight is one of those sometimes
because all i can offer is a prayer ive memorized
and i’m not saying it in a super heartfelt way
because i’m saying it so fast
but i know that Love for you
and Love from you is always capitalized
and with a heavy sigh i lift myself off my knees
wishing i could do better
but knowing you see all those wishes in my heart
and then i head down the hallway
to tuck the boys in bed