futility and the stork

it’s been a pretty long time since i wrote anything

i surpassed a point of discomfort
and paralysis set in

fear has taken a sledgehammer to all of my feelings
there are no others left.

until now i’ve been clawing my way to hope
but that effort has become too dangerous to bear

i realized in the bath tonight
that for 8 months i have been waiting for him to die
(sometimes in the light, sometimes in the shadows)

and the cruelty of the world has amped up this possibility
im almost locked into this outcome
(like it’s the only way i could survive it now).

i don’t remember it being this hard with Henry
but i know it was

and i don’t know how i survived those last few weeks
but i know i did

but the inevitable truly seems impossible
the fury and rage i have stored in the cells on my fingernails
could detonate a bomb

and i’m just worried the people i love
will be in its path
when it goes off