i am more afraid not to love him

my belly swells
with this growing child
and my fear alongside with it

my heartburn rises
with this expanding stomach
and my anxiety creeps up too

it feels like torture
but that word doesn’t cover it
it tastes like indigestion
but it is so much more

there are no easy weeks or months for me
the heaving and retching in the first half
offer the distraction that only physical pain can bring

but now im just in some soft discomfort
the reality of an emotional weight sets in
(i realize i have been carrying it for a long time)

i am too afraid to love him
but i am more afraid not to love him

at this point he is here
and he is a permanent part of our family
whether or not it’s on this side of heaven or the other
is all that’s left for nature to decide