but that comes and goes

the imagining starts early
even before a strong double line
a bitter film of worry covers the tongue
and burns the roof of my mouth

anxious and shallow breathing
patterns into the norm
with a relentless panting and pacing
whose energy builds with the day…

if i just get to 6 weeks
and see the heartbeat is strong
then i will feel okay

but that comes and goes
and i do not feel okay

well if the 10 week bloodwork comes back normal
then i will feel okay

but that comes and goes
and i do not feel okay

well if he clears the 13 week nuchal scan
if the 18 week anatomy scan is clean
if we make it the 28 week viability mark
if we get past 32 weeks when she died
if he’s actually born
if he doesn’t die of SIDS in the first 3 months
well really it’s the first 6 months
but getting to a year is so important
well once he can really chew food
and makes it through the toddler years
but he really must learn how to swim
and learn about bus safety
and always wear a helmet when he rides his bike
and on and on and on
then i will feel okay

but i will never feel okay

it’s in my bones now, you see
the truth that nothing is promised
and it can all be taken away

i think that should mean
that i would live each minute in joy and gratitude
but i do not

if i could just get to tomorrow’s appointment
and hear his little heart is still thumping inside me
then i will feel okay

maybe i will be okay

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