i can barely breathe

in the midst of joy and celebration
i feel so sad
i can barely breathe

and i judge the sadness
i swat it away like a gnat buzzing around my ears
but it doesn’t leave

as i hold baby Henry in front of the church
i also hold in my heart the heaviest two parts of the human experience,
equal in their weight, their beauty, their ugliness

Matt’s holy words about the sacrament
skim off the top of my ears
and everyone’s blessings and congratulations are so muffled
it sounds like i’m underwater

and in the midst of joy and celebration
i feel so sad
i can barely breathe