Gravel bounces off the keyboard
and lodges underneath my fingernails.
A persistent discomfort has become the norm
an expectation for unraveling
has written itself on my calendar
(mockingly of course, it can’t be scheduled).
As my faith in eternal life grows
the Mystery deepens and settles comfortably into my bones.
It is earthly time I mourn today
Suspicious, unpredictable, apathetic time
that freezes during convenient moments
and teases the Believers
when they’ve fallen down into a mine.
If it makes me feel better to imagine
holding you in Heaven,
then that is what I will keep doing.
That is what kept me going years before
God even held your first cells in his hand.
A daughter, a dream, a forgiveness,
A buoyant second chance
has strengthened me for much longer
than your human heart could beatAnd the thought of holding you
will keep me strong here
counting and submitting to these days and years
until the clocks disappear
until I find you across a calm horizon
smiling up at me in my arms
Less Than 1%: Surviving My Stillborn 