Twinges of pain in my stomach still alarm me
I forget you’re no longer there
For an entire blissful half of a second, I forget
The unthinkable has already happened
My body has already betrayed you
You have been forced to leave.
So when I go to the bathroom
I don’t pause in nervousness
I expect to see bloody underwear
It’s not a sign that something is wrong
It’s a reminder it already has gone wrong
And there is nothing I can do
To change it or fix it or bring you back.
The physical emptiness Is hard to bear
The loneliness of being without you
Kicks me in the face
For so long I felt you squirm and stretch and hiccup within my insides
I dreamed of having you squirm and stretch and hiccup in my arms
It is an abrupt change.
I find myself walking down the hall
With my hand instinctively over my stomach
Protecting a life
That has been robbed in its entirety
That nature has cruelly mocked and disregarded.
There is something so haltingly wrong
About making a life
Wanting to give yours to save it
but never have been offered the chance.