Christmas Eve 2020

the winter solstice passed
but i missed seeing the bethlehem star
(it was just too cloudy, and i’m pissed)

i wonder aloud if she can see stars
(wherever she is)
or if they are a marvel she will never know

and such is the waiting, i suppose —
it continues planned
and unplanned.

and now it is christmas eve
others take communion with bread and wine
while i feast on grief and gratitude
(and it tastes like a snowy day)

i curl up with my precious, tiny newborn
and get lost in his celebration
and then i get lost in her silence

the events of my world overwhelm me
especially on this holy night of birth

i gulp down scalding hot tea
and hope that she is there with Him
as they are here with me.

i try to find space for it all
but it seems very crowded in the house tonight

maybe it is all the christmas day boxes —
full of presents she will never open
and full of joy that their faces will still bring me