those stairs

those stairs
how did i ever make it up those stairs

my god, it was just 6 steps
but it was a mountain

i remember charlie walking carefully behind me
my epidural hadn’t fully worn off
and my legs did not want to cooperate

they did not want to carry me back into a life
where she had died

if it hadn’t been for those tiny, excited voices
calling to me from the top
i do not think i would have made it.

we are moving tomorrow
and it is strange to think of leaving the only house
she ever knew
and going to one where she has never been

but like so many things in the life after loss
i’m sure i’ll be able carve out spaces for her
and she and i will make new memories in this new home
as strange and silly as that may sound

and those stairs
my god, those stairs
they will stay with me no matter where i go