it’s coming on christmas

there’s so much pressure around the holidays
i wonder if she hadn’t died so near christmas
if i would feel so suffocated
by the fear of messing up this season

of getting the wrong bow for her wreath
or snagging her stocking
or hanging her ornaments backwards
or ripping her snowflake stickers
or not donating enough toys in her honor
or on and on and on and on

but the worst that could happen
if i do it all wrong
is that she is already dead

but she is already dead

and the most perfect attempts to keep her alive
won’t change that
one damn bit