i hold onto the possibility of her
by holding onto the idea
of having another child,
and once i close the door on that
i close the door fully on her,
on ponytails at ballgames
on watching MTM
on reading madeline.
and i know what an extraordinary gift my 3 sons are —
the world will never know how much i know that
and how much i love them.
but it’s just that i got so close to having her,
i got so fucking close.