i know her still

i never felt like i was meeting my children
for the first time
when they were placed in my arms
(covered in that awful, wonderful newborn gunk).

when we looked at each other
it was more like seeing a great friend
i just hadn’t seen in a really long time.

because i did already know them —
we had been together for 9 months already
(with a lot of one on one time).

that’s what many people don’t understand
about having a stillborn child.

i didn’t lose someone i didn’t know.
i lost someone i already knew and already loved very deeply.

i knew her.

i know her still.