a messy Christmas

the first christmas was messy,
like births usually are — bloody, scary, uncertain.

my christmas last year was bloody, scary, uncertain.
it was about grief,and a birth gone wrong
it was not about wreaths and bows and presents.

my christmas this year is still scary,
but it is fear anchored in faith and hope —
faith in Christ’s birth,
and hope for the birth of my own living child.

ornaments and packages pile up downstairs
as this season i experience the true meaning of Advent
the waiting… and the waiting… and the waiting…

for hope to turn into faith alive,
baby alive.
for faith in the One tucked away in a manger,
and love for the one
to be tucked safely away in my arms.