you being suddenly gone

i thought you were gone
it was just about 15 minutes
and i couldn’t feel you moving
you were probably sleeping
i know you need to sleep

there was no alarming reason
to think your heart had stopped beating
you just had a great checkup
and everything is going so well

maybe that was the reason

one cold december night
i went to sleep and everything was going so well
and the next morning she was suddenly gone

15 minutes turned into 30 minutes
and 30 minutes turned into an hour
and all the orange juice and jumping jacks in the world
could not coax her to move
(and now we don’t keep orange juice in the house)

everyone around me seems so confident
so sure that you will make it home

but their joy seems to push my fear and anxiety
up from my stomach and into my throat
and it chokes me
it chokes me as i sit here
waiting for the worst to happen again

waiting for the moment of transition
from everything being okay

to you being suddenly gone.