I just try not to think about it


My OB has ordered bloodwork
3 pregnancies with hyperemesis has depleted me
we just don’t know what’s missing

The nurse sticks my arm
the tiny tubes fill up with my blood
and I just try not to think about it.

The trips to the ER, the vomit on my teeth, the IV bags, the fecal impaction (isn’t the truth disgusting?), the bruised elbows, the PICC line, the heparin shots, the blood pressure cuff, the pharmacy calls, the cracked skin, the bloody lips, the burning throat, the fainting, the pain, the physical torture of hyperemesis gravidarum.

“Almost done!” the nurse says cheerfully.

I grimace, the familiar smell of medical tape
wafting up my nose,
initiating a visceral reminder
of how close to suicide pregnancy is for me.

the cruelty of surviving it 3 times
with only 2 living children in my arms
makes the hair on my arms stand up in rage.

I just try not to think about it.

Are there people that have it worse than me?
Of course there are.

Do I still feel sorry for myself sometimes?
You’re fucking right I do.

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