Jan 26

James recently had a very strong outburst, yelling that he didn’t like Baby Tinsley one morning as I was putting together some flowers to take to her grave.  He also started yelling at me to stop crying whenever I would start to cry.  I thought it was only because Tinsley was drawing attention away from him — and that I wasn’t as available to him as I had been.  JW suggested that his anger at Baby Tinsley was not coming from jealousy, but because James knew that Tinsley was making me sad.  His yelling at me to stop crying was his being upset that I was sad.  I needed to explain to him (and I do over and over) that me being sad doesn’t mean I’m not okay or that he isn’t safe.  I need to directly tell him Mommy is okay, even when Mommy feels sad.

I couldn’t explain my compulsive need to visit Tinsley every day.  For the first couple months I went to her grave every single day, even in very snowy conditions.  The two days I missed were because of severe winter storms.  And I thought I was going to jump out of my skin those days when I couldn’t go see her.   JW suggested it was because, like any new mom, I didn’t want to be separated from my newborn.  I was trying to maintain a physical connection to her.  Putting up a picture of Tinsley on my desk has lessened the need/desire/compulsion to go to her every day, but it is still very strong.  I need to check on her….or perhaps I need her to see me checking on her?

When I had to call my OB’s office to answer an insurance question, I heard the standard voice message, “If you are pregnant and think you are in active labor, please dial 1 now.”  It literally made me throw up.  I thought I had gotten sick from hearing a message that was so hurtful (I am not ever going into active labor with Tinsley). JW suggested that it was likely more my mind-body connection from my HG pregnancy experience.  I heard that message dozens of times calling the office to get my meds for the HG.   I am finally beginning to appreciate how powerful the mind-body connection really is.

We moved into our first house as a family in our new town in October 2016.  The year before had been a hard one for us.  In some ways when we got pregnant in May 2017, our third baby represented a fresh start for us….

We’re going to try EMDR soon.  I hope it works to move me through the grief — I will do anything to fast-track the process.

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