It’s okay that I feel frustrated over regular life things with my living children (like when they don’t put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket). Frustration doesn’t mean I don’t love them. Besides, what kind of kids would I raise if I simply did everything for them?
My children have been growing and changing while I have been grieving. It may take awhile for me to catch back up with where they are today.
It’s okay and normal to feel heightened anxiety about their safety. Even though I know rationally some of my actions are ‘safety overkill’ (like cutting up grapes into quarters), it’s okay to still do that for now. I’ll know when I’m ready to stop taking these kinds of extra precautions.
Since I’m a rule follower, and I did everything ‘right’ to minimize risk in my pregnancy with Tinsley, it feels extra unfair and unjust that the ‘bad thing’ happened anyways. It’s normal to feel angry because of this injustice. It is unfair.
We can do everything in our power to minimize risk to ourselves and our children. This matters and does help…. but bad things also still happen despite what we do to keep our loved ones safe.
Trauma is related to feelings, not necessarily the type of trauma experienced. So when a car drove onto my lawn, I felt panic and scared and uncertainty about what was happening. I felt like I was back in the delivery room having contractions and confusing my water breaking with her being born. In both events, my brain could not understand what was happening.
The only way through anxiety is to do the thing that makes me anxious. For me, I feel uneasy unless James sleeps in the bed with me right now. I’m worried he is just going to stop breathing…the only way to confront that fear is to have him sleep in his own bed, and for me to see he’s still okay in the morning. But I don’t have to force myself to try this yet.