circling old wounds

the past should not be so scary
but it makes me more nervous
than the future —

[[just around the bend is that crazed monster
don’t go any further! ]]

— paralyzed by things that cannot be undone
and worse
cannot be resolved or restored

(i only go back intermittently
to nibble at the edges of this frayed sweater)

so when childhood grabs me by the arm
in a maniacal hand gesture
in a frozen scowl
in the smell of overcooked bacon

it’s hard for me to keep my balance.

and honestly i don’t know what kindness is
i don’t know what delusion is either

but forgiveness is a half dead fish wiggling between my fingers
that i keep catching
and throwing back