i think it’s the tree lighting
and the merriment

the bright red and green signs for holiday events
seem a little premature

i suppose i have not yet gained my footing
around the season of her death

there are no more babies to make or grow or nurse
my december sons are born now and here

and as the lights go up and santa cheers
i’m left a bit whiplashed and unclear

what year it is and who i am
and if she is dying or has already gone

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