still standing here

sometimes i think
it didn’t really happen

i hear flashes of the loud thud
that echoed in that quiet room
as she entered the world, lifeless

and i think
it couldn’t have really happened

because if it did
i would not still be standing here
it surely would have killed me, too

but i look at the pictures of her
and of me holding her
and i trace the edges of her gravestone
and sing lullabies to her through the dirt

and i know it did really happen —
but what i don’t know
is how i am in fact

still standing here